THE CASE FOR NOT MIXING BEERS!

Everyone’s been there, you start trying different beer styles and well one thing leads to another and eventually you achieve the Even Horizon of a drunkard!  This actually happened to me and I consider myself a seasoned pro and full of more common sense.  However the Sunday before Christmas I had a relapse in stupidity that was so blatant and ridiculously awesome that I can only tell it as best I can here.  Words don’t really do it justice because to appreciate the full glory of that day you had to have been there!

It all started with me inviting GQ’s brother and his Andre the Giant mug over to McHooligan’s for the Jets-Dolphins game.  The plan of origin was to have him stop over, watch the game, grab the 3Floyd’s Gumball Head we had gotten him and he be on his way post game!  Like with all good plans, that was subject to change and change came in the form of several beers!  We each started off with a few light 12 oz curls.  Mine was in the form of a Dale’s Pale ale. I don’t remember what he had.  I followed the DPA up with a Dogfish Head 90 minute IPA and again no clue what he had next.  We were over halfway through the Jets game when we or he rather decided to try a whiskey flight…good idea.  I decided to break out the heavy hitters…20 oz bombers of Oak Aged beers of assorted styles.  Let’s rehash this…I’d already had a beer that was 7% followed by one at 9% by all means I’m pretty sure I was legally drunk so why the fuck not amp this shit up a tad and bust out the heavy hitter beers?

First up was Widmer Bros. Kill Devil 13 Oaked Brown Ale, 9.5%!  we split that bad boy pretty quick!  Next up was Oak Aged Hatter by New Holland, 5.1% which shockingly was weak!  We polished that off as well.  By this time the Steelers-Packers game was on and GQ’s brother was supposed to be headed home.  Nope we decided we needed to finish out beers and pop a few more!  We next his the Schlafly’s Barlywine, 10%  BOOM!  But we weren’t done there because Barleywine’s are the shit right so we popped a bomber of 3Floyd’s Behemoth Barleywine, 12.50 fucking %...Legion of Boom!  Now granted during this last supper of beer I was supposed to be watching the Steelers-Packers game!  Next thing I know I’m waking up on my bathroom floor!!

2.5 Hours Earlier!

We were getting shit faced drunk.  I don't remember the details but as some point GQ's brother and I had out shirts off taking selfies with Star Wars helmets on as well as doing a photo shoot with Chief Wooden Head.  At some point my mom showed up and GQ's brother started doing selfies with her...he made her wear his Jets jacket in a few of them...WOW.  We apparently ordered a Joe's pizza which coincidently I don't remember eating at all!  I don't remember the Steelers-Packers game at all which I was watching the whole time.  I don't remember taking the pictures at all!  At some point I remember GQ basically calling broken arrow and getting the hell out of dodge.  She knew where all this was headed!   What I definitely remember was me and GQ's brother talking about watching that Bears-Eagles game after he went home and ate, he was going to come back over I guess!  So while he was getting ready to leave I had to take a shit!  So I sauntered upstairs and tried to take off my Rod Woodson jersey but couldn't because I was too drunk!  So I dropped my Steelers sweats and with a partially on Rod Woodson jersey I took a shit!  As I was finishing my business I felt dizzy and sick.  So like the pro I am I stoops up, pants around ankles, Woodson jersey hanging off one side of me...proceeded to puke all over the shit I just took!  God it felt great!  As I was on my knees with my exposed dirty asshole with vomit dripping from my beard it became apparent to me I was drunk so I proceeded to pass out on my bathroom rug, pants down, butt not wiped and slowly drying vomit in my beard!

Hours later I wake up!  I have no idea what has happened.  My asshole is burning from the dried shit on it, I felt like a baby with diaper rash!  I got up, cleaned up and tried to regain my composure!  I thought only a few minutes had passed but when I entered the living room and turned on the TV I saw the Bears were downs 21-0!  Holy shit I thought!  I went down to the bar and GQ's brother was nowhere to be found!  I cleaned up things as best I could and headed back upstairs and dangerously took a shower (I was still hammered), put some Desitin Diaper Rash ointment on my ass and went to bed.  

Around 3:00 am I woke up with a splitting headache!  I took some Aleeve, drank a giant glass of water and went back to bed!  I woke up Monday morning feeling surprisingly ok just a little tired!  Here is the amazing part...I made it to work!  When I next saw GQ's brother it was at Christmas!  He was in the doghouse as well!  Apparently we were down in my bar a total of 7 hours or so!  His wife called him at some point asking when he was coming home and he told he was gonna be there in like 15 minutes...3 hours later he showed up and he was shit faced just like me!  I'm shocked he was able to walk home!  This all happened on a Sunday folks!  WOW!  Needless to say I haven't drank much since then, and he's banned from McHoolignan's for awhile too!  So heed this warning, don't mix your beers or you may end up on your bathroom floor with your pants down, shit in your asshole, covered in Puke!!!

Cheers!