THE GUBNA

While I was out in Colorado with Steveo and the Assassin I hatched a plan to pack as much beer into a checked bag as humanly possible because I love some of the beers out there!  I even went so far as to consider seeing how many 12oz cans I could potentially shove up my arse if for any reason to maximize the quantity of brew to be taken home.  However if you've ever seen Midnight Express it will make you reconsider smuggling.  That movie pretty much derailed any chances of me going to Turkey for any reason whatsoever!  Which sucks because Turkish women are insanely hot and more than likely do anal!  American girls could learn a lot from foreign women.  For one thing they're all classy whores, and they're worth it, and they don't become fat, depressed, mental dunts after you put a ring on their finger and impregnate them!  I digress!  I packed this beer into a nice size small bag and made it home no problem!  Among my booty was The GUBNA IMPERIAL IPA by Oskar Blues Brewery!

Now if you've read some of my previous posts you may have figured out that I love Oskar Blues beer namely their Dale's Pale Ale!  But if I want something that's gonna hit me quick like the cost of a retainer for a divorce lawyer then I go for the GUBNA!  Oskar Blues describes the GUBNA as so:

Emphasizing that complexity of character can arise from simple elements, this ale is made with 3 malts and 1 hop. Its light amber color and slightly spicy malt character are derived from the use of German Dark Munich Malt and Rye Malt respectively. North American 2-row barley combines with the other grains to lay the foundation for the hop onslaught to come. Summit hops are used exclusively in the boil for bitterness, flavor and aroma but it doesn’t end there. Post-fermentation dry hopping allows the 10% ABV monstrosity to gently coax the citrus rind and grapefruit aroma to join the 100 IBUs already present. This beer will greet you with a pungent citrus blast, provide a spicy yet round middle and finish with a brisk, clean bitterness.

Beer Advocate Rates the GUBNA an 83 which I think is bullshit actually!  What arsehole would't like this beer!  Fuck you Beer Advocate!

I personally love this beer, but in all honesty after about 4 I'm pretty much struggling to muster up enough motor skill to keep from pooping my pants.  At a whopping 10% alcohol this shit packs a punch not to mention it is very sneaky!  It goes down so smooth that basically you have no idea your well on your way to strapping you arse in for quite the roller coaster ride of alcoholism!  All in all I think this is a fine example of an imperial IPA in fact all of Oskar Blues beers are fine examples of beer!  If I had my choice between a few of their beers or taking some average to above average broad out for dinner I would of course pick their beer because beer never talks, beer never cries, beer never throws up a meal, beer never goes bipolar after a few months on the shelf, and beer never gets fat.  Beer just gets better with age!  All you dunts could learn something from brewing beer, but that would entail you having to get off your cell phones, Facebook accounts, and fat asses and actually start something and ultimately finish it and we all know your attention spans and marketable skills aren't up to par for a task like brewing beer!  So on second thought just stay on your present course which no doubt involves eating, crying, updating your pathetic profiles and thinking life is great and you aren't fucking maniacs!  

Cheers!

THE GREEN RUSSIAN

I'm going to Denver in May and no doubt I will be having a few Moscow Mules with Steveo!  I am also taking the Assassin with me as well!  I'm sure he'll have to take blood thinners to manage his raging boner when we hit micro-brew after micro-brew in our ongoing quest to make our livers earn their keep!  But I have something up my sleeve for Steveo!  It's only fitting that I introduce a new drink to him since he popped my cherry on the Moscow Mule.

This little baby to the right is The Green Russian!  Haven't heard of it?  Well I have.  It was in an episode of season 2 of Archer on FX and I've been jones'n to try it!  But be careful, like really careful with these.  The Green Russian recipe is as follows:

2 oz. absinthe

2 oz. vodka

1 oz. creme de menthe

2 oz. of milk (whole milk if you're obese)

Now I'm not talking about the weak ass absinthe here in the states, I'm talking about using the real deal shit like Steveo and I had in Prague.  For the record that shit was strong and those crazy Czecs don't cut their shit with water either.  I'm half tempted to see how many of these Steveo and I can drink while the Assassin looks on in horror.  I'm pretty sure we could get silly drunk, maybe even Pirate Silly Drunk.  What's Pirate Silly Drunk you ask? Pirate Silly Drunk is when you wake up naked in a rest area bathroom with 2 D batteries duck taped together stuck up your ass, with your dick covered in pancake batter and a note and number from that hot as fuck tattooed girl stapled to your chest saying "call me, you're a freak"!  That's Pirate Silly Drunk!  Not that I have EVER been that drunk or that has EVER happened to me!

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This week’s Beer N Cigars comes to you from the Porch of Wisdom!   The Porch of Wisdom happens to be my awesome front porch!  It’s basically a place that's free from drama and make believe problems where only the truth can be spoken.  Ironically there are hardly women ever there…I know odd!  When the weather breaks the Porch of Wisdom is where we can be found enjoying a beer and good smoke while watching all the pieces of trash whom inhabit most of my town walk by sometimes trying to bum beer and cigars off us! 

This week’s beer is New Holland Brewery’s Dragons Milk!  I first had this beer back in May of 2010 when Steveo flew back for Chubadub Ding-Dong’s graduation from U of I!  I had a 20 0z bomber of it.  At that time I was in a real bad place which the rest of the night no doubt proved.  I wanna take this time to apologize to that really tall blonde broad I was extremely mean to, I’m sorry!  Anyway the second time I tried Dragons Milk was at Mogger’s, and I thought it was amazing!

Dragons Milk is a 17th century term used to describe the strong beer
usually reserved for royalty. This strong ale was aged in oak for over
120 days. The aging process extracts flavors from the wood, which
contribute to its complex character. Hints of bourbon flavor perfectly
compliment its roasted malts to produce a beer fit for a King.

ABV: 10%

Beer advocate rates it an 87

I paired this beer with a Trinidad Short Churchill by Altadis USA! 

Originally named after the city of La Santisima Trinidad, located on Cuba’s south coast, the name Trinidad now conjures up thoughts of a rich cigar with bold flavor. The dark, sun-grown Ecuadorian Sumatra wrapper encloses a rich Connecticut Broadleaf wrapper and a filler blended from Dominican, Nicaraguan, and Peruvian tobaccos which creates a smoke that is rich and powerful without being overwhelming. Pure smoking satisfaction.

I should mention that Turbo the Korean Bowler brought a half gallon of Dragons Milk over and I supplied the cigars.  Turbo made a mistake, he didn’t put his beer tampon in.  Dragons Milk is 10% ABV so a few pints can do a number on you quick and couple that with a strong cigar you should be careful because you might find yourself sitting in your jeep puking onto my driveway trying like hell not to get vomit on your little piggy’s nestled away in your open toe sandals and eventually passed out on a couch for a few hours while your body tries to cope with the shock of 3 pints of Dragons Milk!  Some people can’t handle Vegas.  At least Turbo didn’t mistake me for a female and try to stick his finger up my arse!  Thank God for small favors!

Cheers

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As I’m trying to write this week’s review I’m finding it difficult.  Reason being I’m depressed.  The weather is getting awesome and now every dirtbag piece of shit is walking around with their shirt off. On top of this they’re walking around with their baby momma pushing a stroller.  This just isn’t a fringe event.  Every time the weather breaks the great welfare migration takes place.  All these pieces of shit go down to the local “give me my free money” government facility and refill that link card and head to Wal*Mart to fill up their carts with steak, candy and Mountain Due wearing their baggy pants, flat bill ball caps with full tacky tattoos on display!  I love it, makes me feel great because there are like a million of these kids around here!  It’s depressing.  Anyways…

This week’s beer offering is none other than the (IMO) Best Beer Ever created by the gods…3 3 Floyd’s Brewing’s ZOMBIE DUST!  Now I first tried this beer about a year ago when I was in the second stage of recovering from divorce.  For those of you not divorced the second stage is called “relapse”, it’s an ugly stage, that’s all I can legally say!  Anywho my good friend Turbo the Korean Bowler was, how should I say it…the Christopher Columbus” of this beer.  He discovered it if you’re a retard!  We bought a gallon of it and sat on the porch of wisdom along with several members of the “He-Man Woman Haters Club” and drank it!  It was amazing, it allowed me to see clearly the reality that my life at that time fucking sucked and I needed to change and I’ve been hooked ever since! 

3 Floyds describes their ZOMBIE DUST as so:

This intensely hopped and gushing undead pale ale will be ones only respite after the zombie apocalypse. Created with our marvelous friends in the comic industry.

Beer advocate rates ZOMBIE DUST a 99, which is awesome!

If you haven’t tried ZOMBIE DUST then I highly recommend you do!  It really is an amazing tasting beer.  The place that serves it only gets a keg every 6 months and that is being liberal in my estimation!  So when it arrives, I get plenty and drink myself silly…fucking "Pirate Silly"!

I paired ZOMBIE DUST with an Alec Bradley Sun Grown cigar!  Alec Bradley is an interesting brand.  I read the company bio in an issue of Cigar Aficionado last year.  They have several offerings.  I decided to buy a sampler pack and this particular robusto size cigar is from said pack! 

Alec Bradley has offered plenty of highly rated cigars in the past. The brand is known for quality.  The Alec Bradley Sun Grown Robusto measures 5 x 50. The Sun Grown has quite a combination of tobaccos. Its filler is a blend of Colombian tobacco mixed with Esteli and Jalapa tobaccos from Nicaragua. The binder is from Honduras, the wrapper, is of the Brazilian Mata Fina variety. In terms of strength, the Sun Grown is said to cater to more experienced smokers with its full-bodied classification.At first glance, the Sun Grown Robusto has a striking appearance. This is mostly due to its two elegant wrappers that adorn its body. The top wrapper is very large and is loaded with intricate designs. It contains the Alec Bradley name and logo surrounded eye-catching graphics in gold, red, and black. The band below it displays the Sun Grown moniker. It's much smaller but also employs red and gold as its colors. As for the cigar itself, its Brazilian Mata Fina wrapper gives it a dark and oily look. There are a few minor veins present, but the cigar appears to be smooth and well constructed overall. It feels firm to the touch with no soft spots. Before lighting, there's an earthy aroma. The cold taste is of leather.

I’ve had several of Alec Bradley’s cigars.  The Tempus is by far my favorite, but the Sun Grown was very smooth.  I thought it lacked depth throughout the course of the smoke.  It seemed the taste hardly every changed from start to finish!  It just wasn’t as bold as the Tempus, but that’s to be expected.  They are both very different in their respective compositions!  The Sun Grown did pair nicely with the ZOMBIE DUST.  The medium to full-bodied taste of the Sun Grown flowed together nicely with the citrusy flavor of the ZOMBIE DUST!  You can get a pint of ZOMBIE DUST for around $5 or if you prefer 6-pack bottles for about $12 and the Alec Bradley Sun Grown runs about  $7 a stick!

Cheers!

MOSCOW MULE

This little sexy thing to the left is none other than a Moscow Mule!  I first had this drink here when I was on holiday in Colorado for my birthday!  Steveo introduced me to this drink so I give him full credit for this! 

I know when you hear "Moscow Mule" if you're like me you think of a pretty sweet sexual position, but not to be confused with the  Tijuana Mule which involves a mexican chic and a mule and....!  The Moscow Mule is a cocktail made with vodka, ginger beer, and lime!  It was first invented out on the west coast in the early 1940s and apparently became popular in the 50s amongst the movie industry elite and probably whores too!  Whores tend to like trendy drinks, if you don’t believe me just to any college bar and see what some sorority whores are ordering up!  It’s either a shot of some stupid shit, or some mixed drink they've read or heard about from some other whores!  Whores never have any original ideas, that's common knowledge! 

Anyways Steveo tried this and was pretty smitten with it!  So I gave it a try as well!  It’s a damn good drink, in fact I think I had three of em at the local pub we hit!  Now normally I’m a beer man, and I steer clear of mixed drinks and liquor, because the answers at the bottom of those drinks tend to be the answers I don’t want to know!  I do stupid things when I drink liquor!  Me drinking liquor is like feeding a Gremlin after midnight!  But anyway I like beer, but I found that I really like the Moscow Mule!  I like it so much in fact that by the time the summer rolls around I’ll have a set of 4 copper mugs, ginger beer, and some top shelf vodka and I will be serving them in my basement bar (it’s currently undergoing a remodel)!  So if we’re friends, feel free to stop by on a Thursday, Friday, or Saturday evening, bring some offering for the bar gods and I’ll serve you a Moscow Mule!  By the way, next time your out, ask and see if the bar you’re at serves it and give it a try!  I’m betting you won’t be disappointed! 

Cheers!

ZOMBIE DUST SURPRISE

HOLY SHIT!  This is Zombie Dust!  It's my favorite beer ever (sorry Dale's Pale Ale and Ranger)!  Merry March to me!  When I woke up my local bar contact e-mailed me and told me this is on tap and it won't last long!  So being the maniac I am I went and drank 2 pints and bought a gallon (growler) to go!  KABOOM!  Not sure, but pretty certain Zombie Dust is made from grinding the bones of pygmy unicorns raised by magic dwarfs in a Volcano then fermented with dragon's sperm then let sit for a month then given to a virgin (rare find) then she's sacrificed to some pagan god of old and resurrected by some Haitian VooDoo priest and then burnt and made into a new beer which is drank by an albino one legged blind man who pisses it out...that is Zombie Dust!  So next week this will be the feature beer!  God I think my life is turning around because on top of this, a girl talked to me...and I was a dick to her, and she kept talking to me...proving my theory that the meaner you are to women the more they stick around!  Guess I'll have to start being really nice from now on!

Cheers

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This week’s beer offering is Double Dragonfly IPA from Upland Brewery!  Upland Brewery is located in Bloomington, Indiana! And I completely and utterly hate myself for liking a beer from that shit hole.  I hate Bloomington for many reasons, Indiana University, white trash pieces of shit, I could go on but it would bring back memories I’m currently working hard to suppress with alcohol, which is ironically what we’re talking about here.  Had I known prior to trying Double Dragonfly that it was brewed in Bloomington we wouldn’t be talking about it as this week’s beer because I would have never tried it based on principal!  Anyways I’m going to pretend this beer is made in some far off land that isn’t filled with fucktards who help people make bad life decisions! 

Double Dragonfly is a great IPA!  It makes my top 5 IPAs (dammit I hate this)!  It is a very smooth beer with just the right amount of hoppiness!  Now I like my IPAs on the warmer side and Double Dragonfly is no exception!  Its my opinion that IPAs, Porters, Souts, and most Ales are better enjoyed on the warmer side because I believe they become more flavorful!  Pilsners and Lager beers are excellent ice cold!  However the Assassin likes his IPAs ice cold, and Double Dragonfly happens to be, along with Ranger IPA, one of his favorite beers! 

With the Double Dragonfly Upland took their award-winning Dragonfly IPA and cranked up the malt and hops, but managed to hold onto the perfect balance their Dragonfly is known for. The result is a brew with a very powerful hop profile, matching malt character, and an enticing floral nose.  ABV: 9.1%IBUs: 80

Beer Advocate rates Double Dragonfly IPA an 82!

I pared Double Dragonfly with a Partagas Black Label by Cifuentes!  I had the Clasico size, which is 5.2 X 54! 

The Partagas Black Label line was developed in response to changing consumer dynamics and increasing interest in full-bodied cigars.

Extending the brand that boasts “the richest cigars in the world”, Partagas Black label cigars have been created to appeal to smokers who enjoy a rich taste in a big ring-gauge. 



Crafted in the uncompromising tradition of Ramón Cifuentes, Partagas Black Label is a connoisseur's cigar with a larger ring gauge and a richer, fuller-bodied flavor. The Partagas Black Label features a medio tiempo sun grown wrapper, offering a very full flavored and full bodied experience that will have your palates screaming for more. The Partagas Black Label is very smooth and rich with a deep aroma.  This is a favorite in everyone's humidor!

I actually had my first Partagas black Label over 2 years ago.  I like it so much I decided to buy a box (25 count) for my humidor!  However I only smoke one out of my box a year, and that is once every February!  I have a Black Label for Black February!  And before you ask, no it has nothing to do with February being Black History Month! 

The Double Dragonfly and the Partagas Black Label go well together.  The bitterness of the Dragonfly plays nicely with the full body flavor of the black label!  I like to drink IPAs with my darker wrapper cigars.  I personally enjoy the different flavor contrasts!  You can’t go wrong with either of these choices! You can find the Dragonfly in 6 packs for around $10.  The Partagas Black Label can be found in any cigar shop for around $7 a stick! 

Cheers!

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This week’s beer offering is PFT (Pretty Freakin Tasty)!  It’s none other than the Dreadnaught IPA by Three Floyds Brewery!  I have also been to this brewery as well!  I was there for Dark Lords Day 2010!  I was fortunate enough to go that year which was one of the last years it was general admission.  That was about the only highlight of 2010 and it really wasn’t a highlight because I was living a fucking nightmare that year!  So I didn’t get to really enjoy myself!  I basically drank everything they had to self medicate, cause I was that pathetic!  Needless to say if you ever want to road trip, go to Three Floyds Brewery you won’t leave disappointed! 

As with the Yeti I let this sit for a bit to warm up.  This releases all the flavor of the beer and makes it pretty damn enjoyable!  I’m a hop-head so this beer is right up my alley!  A Snifter is around $5, a 20 oz. bottle will run you close to $12.  It’s worth the price though.  One 20 oz. bottle on an empty stomach can do wonders for your self esteem!

According to Three Floyds Brewery Dreadnaught IPA is A hophead’s dream beer. This Imperial India Pale Ale has an opening salvo of mango, peach and citrus hop aromas that sit atop a pronounced caramel malt backbone. Although Dreadnaught is a strong and intensely hoppy ale, its complex flavor is both smooth and memorable. 9.5% ABV, 99 IBUs.  IBUs are International Bitter Units.  The higher the IBU the more bitter the beer! 

Beer advocate rates Dreadnaught IPA a 98!

I paired the Dreadnaught IPA with the San Cristobal Clasico by Ashton!

San Cristobal is a boutique cigar handcrafted in Nicaragua by the Garcia family.  Blended entirely from rich, well-aged Nicaraguan tobaccos, these cigars feature dark, oily Nicaraguan wrappers.  The flavors are rich and full-bodied, exhibiting a perfect balance between strength and complexity. Hearty notes of earth, cedar and spices are accompanied by lighter notes of walnuts, espresso, black cherries and dark chocolate.  Each cigar is constructed impeccably and finished with a traditional Cuban Triple-Cap.  The Clasico is a 5 X 50 cigar.

I love the Clasico.  The draw is excellent!  The taste from start to finish is smooth.  It is a full bodied smoke with a definite hint of roasty goodness!  It’s full bodied flavor pairs well with the bitterness of the Dreadnaught IPA!  Like I mentioned it will probably take you a good hour to smoke, so you have time for a couple of beers!  But at 9.5% ABV two is plenty good!  When you stand to take a piss, you’ll definitely get a blood-buzz from the Cigar-IPA combo!  But a blood-buzz goes along way in making your troubles disappear!

Now this is the second San Cristobal Clasico I’ve had.  The first was in Peoria!  That time was completely and utterly un-enjoyable!  Not be cause the cigar was bad, but the circumstances around me smoking it were bad!  First off Illinois smoking laws are definitely Chinese…very rigid.  You can only smoke outdoors and that is probably going to be illegal soon!  Anyways, I had to smoke this thing outdoors, and it was hotter than 3 hells with the humidity of the Amazon to boot!  But I toughed it out, the sun was setting and I had positioned myself right across the street from the local strip bar so as to watch all the freaks pay to get some cheap entertainment!  I hadn’t had the damn cigar lit for more than maybe 5 minutes when this Homeless dude comes up claiming to be a huge rap artist!  He wanted to sell me not only his CD, but about 100 others.  I politely declined, but this asshole wouldn’t go away.  So being the nice guy I am I bought him a beer with the hopes of sending him on his merry way!  Did that happen?  FUCK and NO!  Instead he stayed and ratcheted up the annoyingness to a new level!  He started screaming at everyone walking buy…”hey all you fucking Haters, Imma kill all you fucking Haters”!  Now he was directing it at the strip bar so I can only assume he got kicked outta there on occasion!  So here I am sitting at a table, outdoors, sweating my ass off, trying to enjoy my $10 cigar, with some homeless asshole making a scene!, who by the way poured out the beer I bought him!  Needless to say I went into full panic!  I’ve to this day never smoked a cigar so fucking insanely fast in my life!  You’d a thought the damn thing had a half-life and was in decay!  I puffed that thing in less than 20 minutes (normally a cigar like that takes over an hour)!  As I got up and left that asshole tried to bum money off me, WTF, FUCK YOU BRO!  I didn’t enjoy shit, got a fuckin nicotein buzz, felt sick, and got a headache!  The next day was miserable too, and I had to drive back home from Peoria!  So I was ready to give this cigar another shot! 

Cheers!

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This weeks Beer is the unbelievably awesome Espresso Oak Aged Yeti Stout from Great Divide Brewery in Denver, Colorado.  I’ve personally been to this brewery and I can assure you they make awesome beer, in fact their beer is “Turbo Amazing” and bro that is better than better!

According to Great Divide Brewery Espresso Oak Aged Yeti is a new addition to the Yeti clan. A generous infusion of espresso adds yet another layer of complexity to this beer, combining with the vanilla oak character, intense roasty maltiness and bold hop profile to create a whole new breed of mythical creature. It’s official: You can now have Yeti with breakfast.  9.5% ABV.  It should be enjoyed with:

Breakfast burrito, eggs Benedict, hash browns, cheesecake, creme brulee.

Beer advocate rates the Espresso Oak Aged Yeti 4.73 outta 5!

If you’re gonna try the Espresso Oak Aged Yeti the first thing I’d suggest is finding somewhere it’s on tap, the second thing…order it first and let it sit about 45 minutes or longer to achieve room or near room temperature.  This definitely brings out all the flavors in the beer.  It has a richness that I’ve never tasted in any stouts!  At 9.5% ABV one is pretty much enough, especially if you’re running Han Solo and driving!  I also recommend this brew post meal too, and eat a light one at that, like maybe an appetizer!  It’s a great beer as are all the offerings from Great Divide Brewery! 

I paired the aforementioned beer with a Romeo Y Julieta 1875 Maduro Reserve-robusto size cigar!

The Romeo y Julieta Reserve Maduro features a blackened Connecticut Broadleaf wrapper, a tasty Nicaraguan binder, and a bold blend of Nicaraguan, Peruvian, and Dominican long fillers, creating a deep, fuller-bodied smoke with a lovely aroma and taste. Enjoy these flavorful cigars that appeal to both your taste buds and sense of smell.

Now I’m pretty sure post smoke n beer that this wasn’t the best cigar to pair with such a complex and tasty beer like the Yeti, and I’ll also say that I did the same thing a week or two earlier when I paired a Cohiba Black with this exact same beer!  The Strong maduro flavor clashes with the beer right off the bat, but I got used to it and struggled through both, albeit a nice struggle!  My suggestion is pairing the yeti with a more light to medium flavored cigar!  At $5 a snifter (12 oz. glass) for the beer and $8 for the cigar it was a moderately expensive outing, especially when you consider I fucked up with the pairing and probably didn’t enjoy either to their fullest!  Live and learn that’s what I say!

Cheers!

Epilogue:

For the better part of the last year I’ve been going out either Wednesday or Thursday, and sometimes Saturday to different dives that serve my favorite beer…craft beer.  Surprisingly there are several locations within 25 minutes of the shit hole I live in where I can find a ridiculously good selection of craft beers!  I’ve had more good beers than I can remember, in fact I’ve probably forgotten more beers than most people have tried!  That’s saying something because I have the memory of an elephant and trust me, that is a curse!  But Tasting tasty beer is a hobby of mine that I’ve recently discovered since I was liberated against my will sometime ago!  Feel free to send me a message about beers, I’ve probably tried it, or know someone who has, and if I haven’t then I’ll thank you for turning me onto some new beers!

Now Cigars are a completely different sin for me!  I tried my first cigar nearly 16 years ago!  It was a shitty cigar!  But my great uncle always smoked cigars and I always thought there was something completely bad ass about it!  I love pipes too, but they’re too much of a pain in the ass to mess with, and with my handlebar mustache I look to cliché for a pipe! Rudyard Kipling said in his poem "The Betrothed", "And a woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke” and Mark Twain said "Eating and sleeping are the only activities that should be allowed to interrupt a man's enjoyment of his cigar."  I enjoy cigars!  Along with beer, they’re not great for me at all, but neither are women, and women have caused me much more physical damage than any beer or cigar ever could!  So I plan on giving a beer n cigar recommendation every week, or almost every week!  I hope everyone enjoys it and finds it useful and informative, along with my signature humor of course!

Slauncha!